Special Announcement!

Kids and children alike, I recently saw this video with an advertisement for FANNY PACK ACCESSORIES.

It's really cool! Check it out! I might just head down there soon and get me some "ORANGE" or perhaps "SOCKS WITH HOLES" (for nostalgia's sake).

State of the Onion

I know it's a little late to jump on Obama's State of the Union address that happened who-knows-how-long ago, but I saw that a lot of blogs reporting it getting a lot of attention. And I like attention.

The problem is that I didn't watch the State of the Union address. In fact, I didn't even know what it was until about 5 minutes ago (and I'm still confused).

What did y'all think about it? Do you think there should have been an indie house-band like Arcade Fire or Best Coast, or would you have rather seen mainstreamers (LAME-streamers) like Kathy Perry or Lady Ganja?


I sort of wish that John Boehn-ofmyexistence-er was more tan. He's really working hard to be on the next season of Jerhsey Shore (see: Jerhsey Shore). I just hope he learns to wear more Ed Hardy.

Fanny Packs

Hey guys, big DILEMMA (just like that new Vince Vauggher film!)!

I can't decide if I want this Coach one, so I can be all fancy:

OR,

If I should be "scene" like this chick:

I just can't keep up sometimes. Fanny packs are HUGE right now. I feel like I'm in the 90s all over again. I know, right?

So the question is: should I be subtle, yet "high-end", and purchase the Coach pack? Or should I be "cool" and get the expensive-cheap-looking-neon one?

Thanks, guys! Go Bears!

Question

What's your favorite song about death and/or life?

"Chex" Party Mix

Find out how to put these songs on a cassette, play it at a party, make lots of friends.

1. Don't Get Cute - Kurt Vile

I like to start a party chill, you know? People are still coming in and out. This is almost Pre-Show.

2. Might - Archers of Loaf 

Are they getting back together? Discuss!

3. Waiting for Tonight - J Lo

Get da ppl on da dance floor, dumb-dumb!


4. Hyper Enough - Superchunk

This song. Is the SHIZZ.


5. Cubs in Five - Mountain Goats

I don't hear any drums. Also, GO CUBS!

6. Only the Good Die Young - Billy Joel

Always my party's motto: Only the good die young.

7. Mission Viejo - Lifter Puller 

The twin brother band of The Hold Steady.


8. Your Rabbit Feet - Wild Nothing

Time to "chillax" the party.


9. Here Comes A Regular - the Replacements

For all the DRUNKIES, am I right?!


10. A Message To You Rudy - The Specials 

How'd this get on here?





PARTY ON, KIDS!

A Funny Story Samuel (my cat) Told Me:

This morning my cat, Samuel, awoke me from a drunken slumber to tell me this story:

Once upon a time...
In the vast tundra of New Jerhsery, there lay a beach house. In the summer, this beach house is ROCKIN'. It's full of the coolest people and the coolest parties EVER.

Everyone wears Ed Hardy; everyone is orange; and EVERYTHING is shiny. Seriously, this place is like that tribe in the movie The Island (the one with Leo DeCap) but BETTER.

BUT ANYWAY, a whole bunch of stuff happens at this place, and it gets filmed. You'll never guess who broadcasts it. You'll NEVER guess!

MTV.

I knnnnnooooooooooowwwwwwww, right?

It's a cat's paradise. Let's go there. Let's go there. Let's go there. Let's go there. Chloe, let's go there. Let's go there, Chloe....

And on and on that story went. I should go to this New Jerhsey.

Po-po

Kids, the FEDS are after me. I have to take down the MP3s. I don't really understand, though, because how many blogs out there have MP3s to copyrighted material? Yet NO ONE is going after them.

I knoooooooooooow, right?

They're just jealous of what I offer to society.

I feel sad that I can't give you samples of albums I think you should BUY. You'll just have to take my word for these bands/artists/songs/albums now. Sorry. Nothing I can do about it. Talk to the government.

Just know that I love you, and I'm not taking down the links to the mp3s because I'm mad at you. It's because THEY'RE mad at ME.

You kids are good. Stay safe, and buy music!

Taco Bell Baja Blast Presents: The Gordita Crunch Fourth Meal Hip-Talk 2011

Well, kids. There's fresh blood in the indie-sphere of underground music. Apparently he's so bad he's good. He even gets BOOED at his own shows.


(I know, riiiiiiight?)


This guy is the real deal for at least the next year or so.


His name is sorta juvenile: Bruce Springersteen. He's got a new album out called, "The Wild, The Innocent, and the E Street Shuffle".

Dis guy is the hipster of all hipsters. I'm surprised Pitchspork hasn't run a story on him yet. This album might be my favorite of the year, and I can see bright things in Springersteen's future. 

Check out these ultra-hipster, sensitive "bad-boy" lyrics:

"Them schoolboy pops pull out all the stops on a Friday night/The teenage tramps in skintight pants do the E Street dance and everything's all right" - The E Street Shuffle

He also loves to go to "ironic" beaten down "theme" parks:

"And you know that tilt-a-whirl down on the south beach drag/I got on it last night and my shirt got caught/And they kept me spinnin'/I didn't think I'd ever get off" - 4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy)

THIS GUY IS FOR REAL, KIDS. YOU HEARD HERE FIRST.

Imagine if Eminem, Bob Dylan, and Arcade Fire wrote a album. That's what this sounds like. No kidding. 

Here's a track from the album. Tell me what you think!

Rosalita (Come Out Tonight) - Bruce Springsteen (MP3)

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST!

Pet Peeves!

D'ya see dat game! GO BEARS! And you know what bears are? Animals. D'ya know what are also animals? Domesticated animals A.K.A: YOUR PETS.

I know, right?

So all this led me to create another new segment, guys! It's called Pet Peeves, and basically I just write about things my pets do that kinda piss me off.

Here are my TOP 3 from today:

1. I hate it when my dog, Dug, digs divots in the dugout. I HATE it. She's lucky to have me as her owner. Who's knows if she'd even be alive right now had she gone to, say, Mr. Roberts upstairs? I heard all THREE of his iguanas (on the FIRST NIGHT he had them) escaped and killed two kids. So irresponsible, ya know?

THEY'RE ANIMALS: LOVE THEM OR HATE 'EM.

2. You know when your cat or your dog licks your hand? I HATE that! So much! What do I look like? A lollipop? Sicko.

My dog, Buddyweiser, does that ALL DA TIME. I know, right?

3. My cat, Samuel, is great and all, BUT why does he insist on saying all of those hurtful things?

Don't Take It Personally, But...: Roseanne Barr

Oh hiya, guys! It's me again, Chicago Chloe!

WOO! You wouldn't BELIEVE how popular this blog is becoming! I really want to thank all of you; you've really pulled through for me.

ANYWAY, thanks to your support, I've been able to gain a couple of BIG endorsements for the site. Just the other day I got footage of Danny (co-owner of the Taco Bell in Wrigleyville) AND Mariah Sanchez (Best Tastes, Shy Char Go (Chicago)'s Chef of the Week back in 2004) promoting Everyone's A Critic! They were so incredibly down-to-Earth and chillaxed.

And within the coming weeks I hope to send that footage to ALL the local news outlets in the greater Chicago area. I'm talkin' Tribune, Red Eye, Chicago Reader, Chicago Apartment Guide, WFLD, WLS-TV, NPR, you name it!

This is the calm before the storm, you guys. And I'm getting anxious. I hope I get on staff at MTV as a "Junior Blogger". Then I hope to one day achieve "Senior Blogger" status. It will have to be EARNED though; nothing is free, my little ones. You'll learn that one day. One day.

ANYWAY. I'm starting a new segment on here to "keep things interesting", as requested by my "agent".

The segment is called, "Don't Take It Personally, But...". This is the type of segment that allows me to "vent" without people getting offended by what I say, because I'm not saying it to you PERSONALLY. Get it? Alright. Here we go:

Let me ask you some questions. Who do you think of when I say working class housewife? Who do you think of when I say Tom Arnold?
Are you thinking of Roseanne Barr?
I thought so.

(Roseanne: "D'uhh, whaaaat?")

Roseannie, Roseannie. What art thou doing? Trying start a beef with me? You know my thoughts on you, and I thought you respected those thoughts and moved on.

Oh, how NAIVE of me!

You'll never believe what she's done now, kiddos. You'll never guess! Little Rosie-Annie started a blog. Well, well, well. Look who's yanking at my curtails. Get your head out of your flannel fanny pack, Rosie! 

She's not winning with me right now, guys. I'm getting frustrated with all these people suddenly starting blogs RIGHT AT THE SAME TIME AS ME. Your argument might be that she had her blog first, but I remain unconvinced. I've been wanting to start a blog ever since I heard that's how Facebook was started, and those guys are LOADED. And that was a good three months ago. That's, like, YEARS in the internet world! That was when I found out Ms. Barr had a blog of her own. Coincidence? HARDLY!

I KNOOOOOOOOW, right?

What's with people stealing my ideas? Have you a MIND OF YOUR OWN?

I'm just so...URG. I don't know. It's like I crack open a window, and five doors close, you know? So close, yet so far. *Sigh*.

*SIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHH*.

Roseanne, I never liked your show. And I don't think you deserved that Kid's Choice Award, but at least I RESPECTED you. How does it feel to crush a young woman's dream?

Mull that over. Don't take it personally.

Space Jam Review Still Relevant After 15 Years

Dug up this old gem! It's a film review I did when I just FIVE YEARS OLD. I found it in the bin my parent's labeled "FIRE". I guess they knew I was going to be hit too! I'm so happy to have their support through all of this, and when I win my Webby, I'll give them the biggest hug ever (luv u, moms and dads).

But ANYWAY. Y'all remember that movie Space Jam? It was kind of a cult classic in the 90s that Disney managed to let slip under the radar (how that held up over all this time, I will never know).

When I was just FIVE YEARS OLD, I wrote my review of the movie. I can't say it's my best work, but looking back, you know, it just really moves me. The fact that I wrote that when I was FIVE YEARS OLD, is just, wow. You know? I start to tear up just thinking about it!

So now I'll present you with that review because I feel it holds a great perspective on the personal issues I was going through at the time, while still tying in with the themes of a revolutionary film in the sub-culture genre of 1990's hyper-literate aesthetic. It's a little short and a bit trite, but I was just FIVE YEARS OLD:

November 16th, 1996
Film: Space Jam
Reviewer: Chloe


Hello fans! Hi! Settle down, settle down now!
Okay.
So this weekend I went to the movies with my Aunt Dervie. We saw Space Jam. Here are my thoughts are on the film:

One minute you're inside Mickle Jordahn's world, the next minute Mickle Jordahn's world is inside of the Looney Tune's world.
Thus is the plot of Space Jam, a film I saw this weekend.
But maybe it's more than that. Maybe Mickle NEEDS to experience his world's transvergence with the outer space in order to have the capacity to face his inner demons. I see Bugs Bunny as Mickle's spirit guide, and Daffy is his comic relief.
This film is almost difficult to watch. The obvious reason being the subliminal messaging throughout it's entirety. Yes, I know the plot of film revolves (and at times parallels) with the real life of Mickle Jordahn.  Yes, it pokes fun at Mickle's failed career in bassball.

In the end, it's just a movie. And a damn good one at that!

Sincerely,
Chloe

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow. So many things go through my head after reading that. I hope it moved you, too.

My Top 3 Breeds of Dogs

Dogs are cute. Dogs are loyal. Dogs are fluffy.
These are all things we've heard before. And you just heard them again, because of ME.

But what would happen if someone who's only real knowledge of canine breeds came from watching Dogs 101 or surfing Google images with "awesome dog breeds" in the search bar? Probably this:

My Top 3 Dog Breeds (in no particular order!)!:

1. Leonberger!


Look at that face! Ha! I love dogs with a sense of humor, and the Leonberger is NO EXCEPTION! These beasts are the Chris Farleys and Jim Belushis of dogs! They're huge!

2. Golden Retrievers!


Or as I call them, Air Buds! One of my favorite sports films of all time. Not only are they superstars of the court and field, they're also GREAT PETS! Who knew?! I have one, and she's the best dog EVER!

3. Mutts!


I like mutts because they represent the everyday working class dog. I bet they also have a great perspective on life. (Sorry, no pictures!)

People That Matter: Tom Scharpling

"Music, mirth, and mayhem" -- that's the tag-line for WFMU's Best Show with Tom Scharpling. My question that I'd like to ask all of you is: Why does it seem that no one knows who Mr. Scharpling is? I know this post won't reach a lot of people, but I do hope that whoever reads it is interested in some form.

Now, for this segment (People That Matter), I don't want to give you a background on Tom's life or career (but it'll no doubt be mentioned, DUH). That stuff you can find on Tom's Wikipedia page. I mostly want to talk about why he matters to me.

A little background on myself:
-I'm 19 years old, so my perspective on life is rather limited.
-I worked at a small radio station in Oregon for 3 years.
-I'm studying Television at Columbia College Chicago, with a focus in writing and producing.
-I have no musical talent, but I am relatively knowledgeable about certain music.

Enough about me, though. This post is for you, Scharpling. Please don't hang up on me.

Radio: As mentioned before, Tom has a show on a New Jersey station (WFMU) called The Best Show. The show is live for 3 hours on Tuesday nights (and podcasts of the show are available on iTunes). It's a highly popular show for those who know it (weird, right?), and has been on the air since late 2000. On the Best Show, callers can talk to Tom about basically anything, but be careful. If he doesn't think you're worth the time, you'll get the "heave-ho" (AKA you'll get hung up on).

The show also features various members of entertainment: from comedians to musicians to authors. Frequent guests include: John Hodgman, Paul F. Tompkins, Ted Leo, and Julie Klausner. 


Tom doesn't conduct "normal" interviews with these people. Because radio is such a stripped-down medium, Tom is able to hold (GASP) real conversations. They're often hilarious, but always honest. It's impossible to shut off the radio when Tom's on the mic. For me, I feel like I'm part of the conversation, I'm just not ACTUALLY part of it. But if I called in, I potentially COULD be part of it. And that's why it's amazing.

The best part of the Best Show, in my eyes, is when drummer Jon Wurster calls in as one of his many characters: Philly Boy Roy, The Gorch, Timmy von Trimble, Bryce, etc etc.

These characters have easily identifiable qualities to the regular listener, but even first time listeners can catch on rather quickly. Tom plays the "straight-man" in these comedy bits. And again, since it's radio, the character has much more time to develop. It's essentially my generation's version of the early radio variety show broadcasts back in the day. Except the Best Show isn't boring.

It's amazing to me how the whole world hasn't caught on Scharpling and Wurster's comedic genius. Yet that Tosh.0 guy can get a show? I just don't get it.

TV: Scharpling is also a writer. He's known for his writing in Tom Goes to the Mayor and the Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, both of which are revolutionary in the comedy world. His biggest "gig" in the TV medium, however, has to be his position of executive producer and writer for one of the best shows to ever exist, Monk. 


Dear Mr. Scharpling,

Thank you. Please keep doing what you're doing. You've changed the way I think about comedy, and I appreciate everything you do. Keep having fun, and keep making us laugh.

Your fan,
Chloe.

That is all. "Heave-ho", my friends.

You're Welcome

You're Welcome is a weekly Youtube clip that I recommend to you. This is a clip near and dear to my heart. It's tough to watch, so this is a warning.

So, for the first ever You're Welcome Youtube video, Everyone's A Critic Presents:

It's so hard to watch a life-long idol of mine, Kelly Grammerse, fall short of what looked like was going to be an amazing speech. Wish he still was on the radio in Seattle. Miss u, Gramms.
You're Welcome.

An Unexpected Visit from Justin Guarini

Ok, kids. Let me clear something up.

When I'm back in Oregon, I have a show on a local radio station (91.9 KRVM). I do the show with a dear friend of mine, Gretchen. This show is mostly music, but occasionally we'll have guests on.

HOWEVER, a couple of weeks ago we had an unexpected visit from a gentleman by the name of Justin Guarini. Now, some of you may have heard this name before. But I don't want to confuse you. This is NOT the same Justin Guarini that placed second to Kelly Clarkson in Season 1 of American Idol.

This is just A Justin Guarini.

Here's what happened when he stopped by during Gretchen and I's "Best of 2010" show.

(Click this giant "play" button to hear!)

Winter Playlist 2010-2011 (not with mp3s anymore!)

Hello everyone. Now that I have this blog thing (soon to be syndicated blog thing), I wanted to share with you "non-sceners" what's going on in the blogosphere of music. So I've compiled this playlist to help you be cooler.


So off we go!




1. Daisy - Fang Island

I don't know many bands out of Rhode Island (send me a link to your Rhode Island Music Blog, if you have one please), but I'll remember this one: Fang Island. Their first full-length album (self-titled) came out in 2010, and the whole release is absolutely amazing. I don't really "get" the video. Is it supposed to be "creative"? I just know those masks are scary, and scary is SO IN RIGHT NOW. You heard it here first!


2. Bottled In Cork - Ted Leo and the Pharmacists

"Tell the bartender, I think I'm falling in love", sings Ted Leo in this single from the 2010 release, The Brutalist Bricks, an album that reached #5 in my end-of-the-year list (a really big honor, if you ask ANYONE, you skeeze). The video is very sad. It's always tough to watch the indies "sell-out". 


It should also be noted that comedy's great, Tom Scharpling (from WFMU's appropriately titled Best Show), directed the music video for this song. The video features comedians Paul F. Tompkins and John Hodgman, and also settles the band's stance on the issue of vinyl vs. CD/digital copies of music. (Other video cameos: Patrick Stickles of the band Titus Andronicus and writer Julie Klausner). 


3. Charlemagne in Sweatpants - The Hold Steady

It should be no surprise to people who know me that The Hold Steady are on this playlist. Here's a rumor I started about this song while at Millennium Park underneath the "Bean" (you locals know that place? It's a great little secret spot): APPARENTLY, this song is about lead singer Graig Finn's uncontrollable addiction to sweatpants. I know, right? You heard it here first!


4. Backstreets - Bruce Springsteen

Honestly, I don't know if I need to explain why Springsteen is on here. HE'S SO IN RIGHT NOW. As I'm sure you're all aware, Bruce Springsteen's Born to Run album is the best in his catalog. I'll take your word for it. APPARENTLY this song is the 4th track to that album, so the least I could do is make it a 4th track on my far superior (undebatable) "Winter Playlist".  


5. Catholic Pagans - Surfer Blood

I didn't get around to listening to Surfer Blood's 2010 album Astrocoast until 2011, so it missed out on my list. However, if it had made it on, it would be waaaaaay up there. This song alone could seal a Top 10 spot. I also like any song referencing Catholics and/or Pagans, so, double win to you, Surfer Blood. 


6. Letter of Resignation - The Weakerthans

It just wouldn't be winter without Winnipeg natives The Weakerthans (do you dig the alliteration?). This song is from their first album Fallow. I like Canadian Prog-Rock. I don't really know if they have any other albums because Canadian bands usually only one GOOD album, you know? And Fallow is pretty good.


7. Learned to Surf - Superchunk

I JUST got this album (Majesty Shredding) on vinyl because I don't know how cassettes work yet, and I'm so excited to play it! It was my 3rd favorite album of 2010. I thought this was a "Best Of" album because they've been around for awhile, but APPARENTLY it's new. And we ALL know how I feel about new music. But Superchunk proved me wrong in basically every way. It's been 9 years since their last release, but I hope it's not long before we hear from these rock legends again, because these rock legends BROUGHT IT in 2010. They win. 


8. Nothin' No - David Vandervelde

You know when you're at a party (if you don't, LEAVE THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY), and someone you don't know plays a song you haven't heard in awhile? And everyone seems to have the same reaction: immense praise for your musical selecting abilities? This is that song you hear (and I get the praise for). It's a song that you forget you adore. And being reminded of it's greatness almost makes you ashamed you haven't listened to it. David Vandervelde, in other words, is "party approved". Check it out before I own the right to call you a schmuck. 


9. I Would Die 4 You - Prince

I KNOOOOOOOOOOW, right?


10. Sailing - Deerhunter

Halcyon Digest, the latest album from Atlanta's Deerhunter is a strong 4th release from a band that's proving itself a consistent act. That guy is REALLY skinny though. What's going on there?


11. The Twist - Frightened Rabbit 

I knew I wanted Scotland's Frightened Rabbit on this mix, but I had a difficult time picking a song. This song is about that douchebag at the bar that keeps trying to dance with you, even though you already lied and told him you have a boyfriend, you know? Creeps. I use this song to show people how NOT to act at parties. 


12. Quiet Where I Lie - Franz Nicolay

Franz Nicolay, former keyboardist of The Hold Steady, has a great mustache. I haven't heard this song yet though, sorry.


13. Little Mascara - The Replacements

I can never choose a favorite Replacements' record. TRY AND TELL ME ONE THING BAD ABOUT THIS BAND. I dare ya. Oh! Remember that time Paulie Boy Westerncheeseberger signed my arm with a pencil? No? WELL I DO.


14. Life Prowler - No Age

Is No Age considered Post-punk-noise-New-Wave? If not, I don't really get the name of the band. They're on Sub Pop, which makes the genre-ing of the band even MORE difficult. Stupid clever kids. Hey, why don't you remove the snob-sauce from your fanny pack and get a life?!


15. A Pot in Which To Piss - Titus Andronicus

Two words...NO. Three words: Punk Bruce Springsteen. That is, if Springsteen were to make a Civil War themed album. I like this song.
Further reading: Titus Andronicus by William Milkshakespeare. 
This song also ends with Craig Finn of The Hold Steady providing the voice of Walt Whitman, who I've always thought he drew a striking resemblance to (see picture).

(I know, right?)

And there you have it! 
Cheers,
Chloe